So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
