Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
