i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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