I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
