my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
