6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
