Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
