I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
