In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
