I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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