I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
