don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
