I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
