You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
