I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
