Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
