Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
