It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
