I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
