I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
