did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
