i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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