Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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