Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
