11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
