wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
