I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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