my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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