: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
