the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
