i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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