my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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