it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
