my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
