im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
