I forgot how hot balto sounded
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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