alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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