I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He better not be in your backpack
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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