you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
