I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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