Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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