Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
