But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
