I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
