I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Are we still banned from the library?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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