where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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