you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
