I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
