i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's great music for shaving your balls
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
