he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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