If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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