I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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