I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
