Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
