Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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