girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize