I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize