I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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