when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm getting married
To pizza
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
