apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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