ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
