how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this boner is exhausting
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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