so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
