something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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