My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
